Chapter Seven

“Kill Them with Success. Bury Them with a Smile.”

Mr. Lewis’ Christmas Eve podcast was running like clockwork. The Nielsen Audio PPM ratings were off the charts. Talk of syndication had been building ever since Trevor released his personal advertisement for tonight’s show. If Mr. Lewis could get Rocco and the brothers back on the air at least once a week, he would have a very lucrative deal.

Mason held two fingers up against the glass. Through the headphones, Mr. Dylan made a suggestion. “Two minutes Mr. Lewis; would you like to introduce the coasters for their first song”

Trevor looked toward the audio booth, then at his guests. “I have a better idea; how about we let Rocco introduce them. What do you say Rocco; would you like to have the honors?”

Rocco’s brows extended upward. “I would love too, just let me know when”

A thumbs-up came from the booth. “Will do”

Mr. Lewis wasn’t wasting any more time. He wanted his guests to know who was in charge and how the show was going to go. “What kind of Santa would I be if I didn’t bring you guys any presents, especially for our new friend Rocco?”

Stephen looked over and smiled. “We were hoping you wouldn’t mind, but we actually did the same”

Everyone’s headphones buzzed. “You’re on in thirty seconds Rocco”

“Okay thank you Mason.  Skyler you guys ready?”

“Absolutely, you call the song”

“Rocco you are up in Five, four,-,-,-.” The fake studio audience rose, then faded as Rocco took to the microphone.

“Welcome back! My name is Rocco and it is a pleasure to be here tonight to celebrate with you. First I would like to wish everyone a safe and happy Christmas Eve and to the ones at home who couldn’t get to your loved ones; sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

“We have something special for all of you this evening. Our very own; A Capella group to sing to you, your favorite Christmas carols, starting with my all-time favorite for those who are not in the mood to have fun ‘You’re a Mean one Mr. Grinch’ sung by no other than My dearest friends the Coasters; Take it away Santiago”

“Uno, Dos, Tres’ Quattro”

Mason disconnected Studio A from the vocal booth. “And we’re out”

Applause from the hallway could be heard through the headsets. All the top execs and their families joined in. Mr. Kaufman turned to Mr. Brooks. “I want him”

“Want who?” asked Mr. Brooks

Mr. Kaufman pointed directly at Rocco. Clueless to the conversation in the hallway, Rocco stood proudly, springing around the table in delight. His brows and white LEDs said it all. “Mr. Brooks. Make it happen”

Stephen and Billy expected nothing less from him. “That was excellent!”

Trevor’s demeanor shifted. “Rocco that was quite the intro I have to admit; I didn’t expect that”

Rocco crab-walked slowly toward Mr. Lewis, his brows tilted low and inward. Inches from Trevor’s face, he raised his grommets and springs and whispered, “Listen to me you piece of shit, I know what you’re up too; I wasn’t born a hundred years ago and I too, have a plan. So bring your best game.”

Trevor locked eyes with Rocco as Mason’s voice came through the headset. “Mr. Lewis; we’re back on in 10 seconds”

Neither one flinched. “Mr. Pine; I am just getting started”

Rocco’s LED lamps turned from white to red. “Bring it on Bitch”

Mr. Lewis didn’t miss a beat. “And welcome back. I am your host Trevor Lewis and that was ‘The 7 Coasters’ with their rendition of ‘You’re a Mean one Mr. Grinch’ excellent job guys”

Billy called Rocco over. “What the hell was that?”

“What was what?” Rocco inquired

“I hope you know what you’re doing”

“Don’t worry Stephen, I got this”

Mr. Lewis got the show moving again. “We have a few in-house guests with us today”

Rocco scuffled over. “Billy; I told you he was up to something”

“Wow you were right”

Stephen leaned in. “What’s going on?”

Trevor took to his microphone, feeling invincible. “Our guests are currently in studio B and we are going to play ‘Guests by Guessing’”

Rocco looked at Stephen. “I think we are going to find out”

“So Rocco the way it works is, you ask questions and upon their answers, you’ll get to chance to guess; but to make it more interesting, their voices will be disguised.”

Rocco looked at the brothers. “Okay I wasn’t expecting this, but I will play along.”

Stephen and Billy egged him on. “You can do it Rocco”

“Go ahead Rocco ask away”

“Okay—okay, First question are you from the old neighborhood?”

“Yes”

“Did we ever sing together?”

“No”

“Are you Manuel; the maple wooden spoon from the gift store you know the ones you hangs on the wall?”

“No”

“Hmmm; so you’re not from the garage?”

“No”

“Did we hang out together?”

“Yes”

“Were we intimate?”

“I plead the 5th”

“Wait a minute, Do you like Cheetos?”

“Yes I do; Come-on you little shit-kicker you can work it out!”

Rocco bounced like never before, crab-walking from one end of the table to the other. He even tried the moon walk but fell backward.

“No fucking way. JIMMY?!  Geez H; Christmas has come early. Get in here you piece of shit and give me a hug.”

The door to Studio A slowly opened, and only Jimmy’s head popped through.

“There he is! OMG you look great! This is fantastic how did you know it was me on the radio?” The embrace was immediate.

Jimmy was overwhelmed and couldn’t understand how any of this was possible. “Rocco how is this all happening, why didn’t you speak to me?”

Rocco lifted two springs on one side toward Trevor. “It’s a very long story; which I am supposed to be telling on this show, but it seems someone had other ideas”

“But, your all over the internet, you’re famous! Where have you been? I missed you buddy”

Silence filled the room and the airwaves. Even a few of the in-house guests wiped away tears.

Mr. Lewis’ attempt to bring emotion to the show and boost the ratings worked. “Ladies and gentlemen I would like to introduce our newest guest Mr. Jimmy Scott and his daughter Jessica; Rocco’s original owner”

Mason raised the applause fader slightly, along with another fader carrying a soothing “Awwwwe.”

Rocco spoke first. “Wow it’s good to see you, what have you been up too?”

Jimmy began wiping his eyes. “Well ever since the wife; now the ex-wife had gone rogue; I had been taking care of the kids, you know house work, cleaning, and the dishes. I now read to all the grandchildren; bedtime stories of their choice every night, you know the basics like: Curious George, War and peace, Mein Kampf, lonesome Dove and my ex-wife’s favorite, catcher in the rye. That was tough to get a hold of; glad I found her 3 copies in her sock draw–you know the usual stuff and of course every morning with breakfast a passage from the bible.”

The room fell silent as the two embraced. Smiles gave way to cheers, sniffles, and tears. Rocco became almost childish. “Wow that’s excellent I see you have everything going for you now and everything you always wanted.”

As Jimmy sat down, he and Rocco returned to that one magical day. “Yeah it all started the day Alice got arrested; it just went up hill from there, but by the time I tried to get you back you were gone, and would you look at you now, Damn! Good for you Rocco.”

“Really” You mean the same day I met these guys, Stephen and Billy? Yeah I kind of remember that.”

Jimmy stood and held out his hand. “I guess so. So you are the ones that took him away that night, it is a pleasure to meet you, and thank you so much. Yeah—wow; small world I guess”

Stephen and Billy responded. “You’re welcome. I am sorry about what happened, but we are glad; that now, you can reconnect with each other.”

As Studio A filled with emotion, Trevor looked at Mason. “Are we still on?”

Mr. Dylan smiled through the glass. “You bet your ass we are”

Mr. Lewis made the call. “Take us to commercial and let the Coasters do a song for the audience, in Five, four,-,-,-.”

“And we are out”

The room was joyful and high-spirited, everyone still taken aback by the surprise guests.

Rocco, however, had a feeling something was afoot. While Jimmy talked with the brothers, he hobbled toward the host. “So Mr. Lewis; It really does seem to be a small world after all. May I ask how you found Jimmy?”

“I don’t want to give out my trade secrets; but let’s just say I got a call and one thing led to another.”

Rocco’s brows grew restless as he pondered Trevor’s next move.

In the audio room, Mason danced with an imaginary partner while the Coasters finished a swinging version of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” He turned to the soundproof glass and signaled to Mr. Lewis with his mouth and fingers: “You’re on in thirty seconds.”

Trevor motioned for everyone to put their headsets back on. Jimmy and Jessica had been asked to stay and enjoy their time with Rocco and the brothers as the Coasters finished their song.

Trevor grabbed the microphone. “And we are back. Let’s give a warm return welcome to our return guests.”

The applause fader goes up and then down.

“Welcome back everyone and I have one more present to give to Rocco; because I believe it was he-himself that said, ‘it is a small world’ Well guess what Rocco; it’s only going to get smaller. Ladies and gentlemen may I introduce the Ex-wife Mrs. Alice Scott!”

Mr. Scott stood and faced the door. “You’re joking right, why would you?”

Rocco sprang up and down. “Trevor you are such an ASSHOLE!”

The brothers stood and reached out, keeping Rocco from making a huge mistake.

Every inch of the viewing glass filled with faces from the hallway. Mason attended to the Coasters, who chattered in the vocal box. “What’s going on out there we can’t see anything. Bring us out; we all want to see what’s happening”

Everyone in the hallway moved to the walls and made room as Mrs. Alice Scott came from Studio B, followed by her new group of personal friends.

As Mrs. Scott entered, Mr. Lewis took the bull by the horns. “Okay before we get started I want Rocco and Mrs. Scott to come with me and work out their differences in private…” Trevor turned to the audio booth. “Mason let the Coasters sing a song; a good loud sing-along song”

Mason gave two thumbs up. “You got it boss… Okay Coasters you’re up. Can I request a song?”

Back at the garage, all the Coasters lined the edge of the shelf.

Stanley stepped forward. “Sure”

Mason’s voice came through the speaker in the garage. “Okay; how about, ‘all I want for Christmas is you’?”

Skyler leaned back. “Susan, you’re up!”

Susan reacted. “Damn I love this guy”

Sarah twirled in the background. “Ummm-um; Boy does he know how to pick-Em, You go girl!”

Every coaster stopped dead and turned toward Sarah. Skyler rolled slowly toward her. “Where they hell did that come from?”

“Sweetheart, Old habits die hard young man. Now let’s do this!”

Sarah lined everyone up in sequence. “Okay Santiago it’s up to you”

Back at the studio, Mrs. Scott winked at Trevor as her requested five minutes alone with Rocco neared reality. Mr. Lewis grabbed Rocco and motioned to Mrs. Scott. “Come with me”

The room was a small office. Trevor asked Mrs. Scott and Rocco to clear up their differences and come to amends.

Once inside, Rocco was placed on the desk. Disconnected from the outside microphones, the three were on their own.

Trevor and Mrs. Scott discussed the deal they had made. Rocco had other ideas.

Rocco had figured out how to adjust his springs and grommets for a better bounce. He tilted and spun on one leg at a time, tightening the springs with a trick he had devised from watching Susan the dancing coaster.

Mrs. Scott and Trevor watched the odd sight. Trevor leaned closer. “Rocco what are you doing?”

Rocco’s brows tilted inward. “What’s the matter; haven’t you ever seen someone stretch out before?”

Without warning, Rocco bounced straight into Trevor’s face, knocking him backward into the wall.

Blood dripped from Trevor’s nose. Rocco turned on Mrs. Scott, springing off his rear grommets and shoving her toward the door. All three ended up on the floor.

The impact gave Rocco another opening on Trevor.

As Trevor tried to stand with a hand over his face, Rocco attacked his knees and drove him back down, then slammed into Mrs. Scott from the side.

Every time she tried to scream, Rocco hit her again. Trevor, now on his side, became the target of a wrestler’s body slam.

Rocco built enough spring to bounce against Trevor’s side. When Trevor rolled onto his back, Rocco went for the face. Blood was everywhere.

Trevor lay unconscious in a pool of blood. Mrs. Scott began to cry.

Pounding came from outside the door as everyone shouted, “What’s going on in there?”

Determined not to take the fall, Rocco made one last effort to knock Mrs. Scott out.

Alice, bruised and sporting a black eye, looked at him. “Rocco why?” She reached toward the table and grabbed the first thing she felt: a letter opener. Mrs. Scott lunged at Rocco with everything she had left. “Come here you freak of NATURE!” The jabs struck his VU meters, breaking the glass protectors and bulbs.

Thrown against the table, Rocco bounced around like an upside-down turtle, helpless and almost caught. He had one last trick up his sound port. A low rumble through his back port gave him enough force to right himself. “I am coming for you-you psycho!” One last release of the rumble got him upright.

Rocco backed up to build momentum. Mrs. Scott reached out and pulled two of his front grommets. “Take that!” Rocco sprang off his back grommets and launched himself into Mrs. Scott’s face, knocking her out.

Rocco’s last words were, “You wanted to know why? Because you deserve it”

The door was moments from breaking. The crowd’s voices intensified with every slam. “We’re coming hold on!”

Rocco looked over and quickly came up with an idea.

He crab-walked over to Trevor and rubbed himself in the blood dripping from Trevor’s face, then yelled, “Help; Help someone get in here, these people are nuts!”

The door burst open on a scene that had to be censored. Two bodies lay bloody and lifeless.

Stephen and Billy entered first. Rocco lay on his side, knobs missing, VU meters cracked and making strange noises. “They’re insane; one minute I was on the desk, the next minute I was being used like a battering ram. It happened so fast. They attacked each other, and used me as a weapon!”

Stephen leaned over. “Come on Rocco let’s get you out of here and cleaned up.”

As Rocco was carried out, he looked over the carnage left behind. His one working VU meter lit up as a disturbing, sinister sound escaped under his breath. “Hehehehe”

As they passed Studio A, the black box spoke. “Thanks guys; hey, hey wait a minute. We are not done with the show. The listeners are waiting.”

Everyone stopped. Mr. Brooks turned to Rocco. “Do you think you can do it; do you think you can finish the podcast in your condition?”

Rocco’s one VU meter lit up. “I am not one to give up, I am willing to try”

Applause thundered from the hallway. In the audio room, Mason jumped up and down with the Coasters’ speaker in his hand. “You can do it…You can do it!”

They carried Rocco into the room and placed him on the conference table. Everything went quiet. As everyone watched, he delivered his first words into the microphone as the podcast’s new host. “Let’s grow the show!”

The internet went off the charts. As it happened, the listeners had heard the commotion from the other room the entire time. The chat room lit up with thousands upon thousands of responses, all congratulations and praise.

A few minutes later, Mr. Trevor and Mrs. Scott appeared in the hallway, covering their faces. “It was him-It was Rocco; he is a crazy!”

No one believed them. Both were ushered into the conference room, where the masters had become the puppets and were now on trial for their decisions.

The confrontation ended with Mrs. Scott getting right in Mr. Lewis’ face. “You promised me; you promised me 5 mins alone with him.”

Trevor got right back in hers. “I lied, He was always mine!”

Rocco suddenly acknowledged the new arrivals. “Hey look at this everyone. The NY and NJ Police department have come down to the studio to lend support to our new guests. Welcome gentlemen and Merry Christmas.”

Both chiefs of police responded together. “And a Merry Christmas to you too Rocco” The New Jersey chief walked up to the newest guests. “Mr. Lewis please stand up, you are under arrest.”

Trevor’s head rotated left and right. “Okay I get it; HAHAHA this pay back right? Is this a joke on me? Okay I will play along”

The NJ chief continued. “Mr. Lewis; please turn around and put your hands behind your back.”

“What?”

“Mr. Lewis you have the Right to remain silent”

Rocco bounced left and right, his brows lifting higher than ever as he looked into the control booth. “Mason, don’t you dare cut this off!”

“Are you kidding this is the best show ever!”

Stephen and Billy stood and applauded along with the CEO, the president of NY-NJ Podcast Inc., the lawyers, and producers, all cheering the New York and New Jersey police.

“Anything you say Mr. Lewis can and will be used against you in a court of law.

“You have the Right to talk to a lawyer before and during questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed for you. 

“You can stop answering questions at any time to request a lawyer.”

“For what; why am I being arrested?”

“You are under arrest for: reckless endangerment, conspiracy to personal assault, conspiracy to administer a controlled dangerous substance to unwilling non-participants without their knowledge-Intent to citing a riot-Threatening, the welfare of a minor-Trespassing on private property without permission and false advertisement. Shall I go on?”

Rocco bounced on two grommets. “Mrs. Alice Scott; I would like you to meet the chief of police for New York.”

“Mrs. Alice Scott please stand”

As Mrs. Scott stood, she began waving a large eagle feather in the air. Her reasoning was unclear, but commotion broke out in the hallway.

“Mrs. Scott you are under arrest. You have the Right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in court.”

“Yeah, Yeah, Yeah I know the whole thing. What am I being charged with?”

“Parole violation-Falsifying legal federal documents to cross state lines-Leaving New York without permission-unregistered and an uninspected vehicle.”

The hallway and conference room descended into chaos. Laughter burst from everyone, but not for the reason you might think.

It wasn’t from the removal of Mr. Lewis and Mrs. Scott. Oh no. It was something completely unexpected.

Mrs. Scott had just given her friends and followers the gang sign used to instigate an attack: the wave of a Bald Eagle feather.

Alice stood handcuffed “That’s right; Laugh it up, all of ya’s! Maybe some of you will make it; and maybe some of you won’t. Who’s going to piss their pants first?”

“Miriam! Make them soil themselves!” It was the attack of the Russian Olympic tickle team, there to support their leader, who had once brutally caused the original leader to scream “UNCLE” at a tournament for leadership. Mrs. Scott won.

As Mr. Trevor was removed from the room, he looked over at Rocco. “It was you, you plan this whole thing!”

Mason kept everything running smoothly from the control room. Not a single word was missed; the podcast was still live.

The chiefs of police spoke simultaneously. “Get them both out of here now!”

Trevor stared Rocco down. “It was you, you plan this!”

“Now Mr. Dylan”

Mason nodded “Now”

The Coasters broke into song, and everyone within earshot joined in.

You say, “Yes”

I say, “No”

You say, “Stop”

And I say,

“Go, go, go” oh, no

You say, “Goodbye”, and I say, “Hello (Hello, goodbye, hello, goodbye) Hello, hello”

Rocco’s last words to Trevor were inspiring. “Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. Bye, Bye!” The final insult landed. Rocco had won the war.

“Pardon me gentlemen my name is Mr. Harvey Ex-Specter-ant. I am NY-NJ Inc. personal attorney. We like to thank you for a heads up on Mr. Lewis’s criminal activity; Rocco if it wasn’t for your call and your keen eye, we would have never caught him.”

Stephen looked over. “What is he talking about?”

“His Advertisement; the one he posted over the internet; telling everyone to spike the eggnog to un-expecting recipients… That’s a big NO-NO!”

Billy turned to him. “How did I not see that?”

“Because you’re not a real lawyer… Just kidding; hey it took me a few times but I caught it” 

Mr. Brooks took center stage. “Rocco I would like you to meet the CEO of NY-NJ Inc. Mr. Valor Kaufman, he would like to thank you personally.”

Valor bowed. “Rocco, great work”

Rocco’s eyes shrank. “I didn’t do it myself; I had help from my good friends: Stephen, Billy, their families and our new friend Mason Dylan.”

“Well I can see you are a tight knit group and thanks to Stephen, Billy and the rest of your families cooperation; we would like to offer you the permanent position at our new station facility for podcast education; as our new CTO ‘Chief training officer’ and supervisor with NY-NJ Inc. for as long as you want.”

“All legal documents have already been drawn up between my in-house counsel and my newest counselor Mr. Billy Cole.”

“So all you have to do is leave your Grommet marks and you are set to go.”

Rocco tilted over. “That Bitch stole my Grommets and springs”

“We will get you new ones; but I believe there is one more surprise; Stephen Billy he’s all yours.”

“Rocco, both families worked feverishly behind your back to accurately determine your actual age. As of tomorrow you are officially 399 years old born in 1627 ‘Give or take a ring’; so what better way to celebrate than making Christmas your birthday… Santiago take it away 1-2-3-4”

You say it’s your birthday
It’s my birthday too, yeah
They say it’s your birthday
We’re gonna have a good time
I’m glad it’s your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

Rocco jumped in place and screamed, “Fucking Beatles have a song for everything”

End of Chapter Seven