Chapter Five

 “Actually; It’s the Night Before Christmas”

               One week later, Mr. Lewis drove back to Stephen’s house to leave a note in an attempt to bribe him into another podcast, threatening to air the advertisement. He parked in the same spot as before and began walking toward the house. The air was calm, but the Aspens along the creek began to sway. Another Aspen, Achilles, had been elected to speak on behalf of all the Woodies and low-lying brush.

               “Augustus, it is I, Achilles: Is that the horseless chariot that you have been swaying for?”

               Augustus’ leafless limbs and branches twitched. “It is my old friend.”

               Achilles’ mournful vibrations could be felt along the length of the creek. The final leaves of the Aspens began to fall. Among their roots, a low hum began and held steady as Achilles spoke the words of his forefathers. “Hmmm”

               “We the high tops; support the decision of our elder’s sacrifice”

               “Hmmm” 

               “A request from outside our roots; from one of the lucky ones who have been able to fulfill a Woodies dream”

               “Hmmm”

               “We stand beside you to witness your final snap. We will share our rings with all new growth; so your wisdom and strength will live on.”

               “Hmmm”

               Augustus stood proudly as he began to twist and sway. His creaks and splintering filled the air as the tree line swayed with him.

               “I Augustus give my RINGS, my BARK and my SAP against those who wish our friends harm. This will be my last SNAP, my last CREAK and my last SPLINTER. Those of the creek REMEMBER ME from this day forward!”

               Augustus made his final twist and turn. The Aspens and brush gave him extra strength from deep within the soil. His target was marked. Humans stopped and stared at the sight of a falling relic of peace, a place where their children had played. Cars stopped as the mighty Aspen tilted toward its final destination.

               His splintering, crackling, and final snap could be heard throughout the neighborhood.

               To the humans, it was the sound of an era ending: a tree that had stood the test of time and given its joy to the neighborhood children. To the Woodies, it was something completely different.

               It was full of determination, empowerment, and even a little selfishness, and Augustus deserved every bit of it. He was loud and proud. Augustus made thunder sound like a sneeze.

               As his target drew closer, his final words became immortal to all within reach of the roots. “This is going to leave one hell of a fucking mark”

               It was glorious, a true testament to the power of a good Woodie. There wasn’t one salvageable piece left of the flying green fishbowl. It never stood a chance.

               Mr. Lewis stood in awe. “That was not a good place to park” He made an attempt, but it wasn’t meant to be. The note never made it to the house.

               December 14th. One week later. The first of many repeated advertisements began going viral on the internet. Billy’s daughter became hysterical and ran to her father with her phone in hand. “Daddy. Daddy look!” She played him the video, now trending on every platform.

               A cartoon GIF played out a comedic rendition of nine drunken reindeer flying across the sky, with caricatures of Mr. Trevor Lewis and Rocco stuffed into a bag of presents.

‘HO, HO, HO. It’s me Mr. Trevor Lewis;

Telling you to Spike all the eggnog you can.

Share it with your friends; ‘But don’t tell them’ ha-ha-ha.

Spread the word! I just had dinner with Kris Kringle.

This December 24th at 8pm Kris Kringle will be delivering you all; a special unwrapped visit from your favorite guests, Stephen, Billy and Rocco. So, set your alerts and your calendars for a special podcast with your favorite host, Mr. Trevor Lewis.’

            Billy, taken completely off guard, grabbed his phone and called his brother Stephen.

            Stephen was back home with the kids. “Hello?”

            “Stephen its Billy, we got a situation”

            “What’s up?”

            “My daughter just showed me her FB page. There is an advertisement trending that the 3 of us are going to be on the Trevor Lewis show on the 24th.”

            Stephen started to freak out. “The 24th that’s Christmas Eve”

            Billy tried to correct him. “Actually; it’s the night before Christmas”

            “Really numb nuts; it’s the same damn thing; how the hell did you become a lawyer?”

            Stephen questioned himself. “But that can’t be. I called him and left multiple messages; telling him to back off and never to threaten our families again.”

            Billy turned in circles. “Didn’t you talk to him in person?”

            “No, I couldn’t locate him, he is fucking hiding. Is there anything you can do as a lawyer?”

            Billy stood still. “Like what? It’s too late to do anything; it’s all over the place you can’t stop it; it has gone viral, even if I could he would just get a small fine.”

            Stephen’s last thought was, “Where’s Rocco, maybe he has an idea”

            Billy looked toward the garage. “Where else would he be? He’s with the kids in the garage doing homework”

            “Okay. Billy; I will be over after the kids go to bed, let him know.”

            “I will”

            Being physically in Rocco’s presence wasn’t the same anymore. The Black box helped maintain their friendship and was the only way they could continue to communicate. Though the brothers could no longer see his movements, the children still could.

               Later that evening, they all gathered in the garage. Stephen reached out. “Billy; turn up his volume just a little bit, I want to make sure we understand each other with absolute clarity and that there is no misunderstanding.”

               Billy looked at Stephen. “you’re good to go”

               “Hey Rocco, how are you doing?”

               A few twists and turns of the black box got things going. “I can’t believe the shit they are teaching the kids these days. I am almost 400 years old and learning new stuff for your kids is getting tuff; I am good, but not that good. I am getting a headache from just reading it. In the old days; I would find a loose pill every once in a while between my cushions and I felt like I was getting my fabric rubbed from an upholstery cleaner, man those were the days.”

               Stephen chuckled. “Well we can understand that; so listen. You have always been there for us; but we have a problem and we need your advice, your support and possibly your dedication; what do you say?”

               “I am all foam guys, let me have it.”

               “Billy, why don’t you start us off?”

               “Rocco; It seems we are being verbally attacked by Mr. Trevor Lewis. He is trying to force our hand into another interview. You heard about the threats he made to Arianna”

               The black box made short hops left and right. “Yeah; I took care of that”

               Billy’s head snapped sideways. “What do you mean?”

               Rocco’s eyes flopped. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it”

               Stephen continued. “What should we do about the show?”

               “Is it really such a bad thing, I can handle that putz.” remarked Rocco.

               Billy looked down. “We know you can; that isn’t the problem”

               The black box made a fast twist between the brothers. “Oh here it comes; what did he say about me?”

               Stephen reluctantly spoke. “He threatened to tell everyone where we live; which you know could cause a lot of problems for all of us.”

               Rocco started losing it. “He did what!? Not my family–Nobody gets away with that especially 4 eyes. Put me in the truck right now and take me to him, I will ram my cushions so far up his ass”

               Stephen held out his palms to calm Rocco. “Shhh, Shhh. I think we can do better than that. What we need is an idea; a plan that will do much more damage; one we can live with, but it has to be your call in the end”

               The black box bounced toward Billy and Stephen, his brows becoming overactive. “I can actually feel both of your fears in my threads; it sounds serious, but I will do anything for my family, you know that. Let me see this ad”

               Rocco watched in disbelief. “Play it again” “and again—stop, rewind one more time. Holy shit; there it is–stop the video!”

               “What is it” asked the brothers.

               “We got him” Rocco’s eyebrows tilted inward. “Oh yeah we got him now; that wig wearing, four eyed weasel. Get me a phone.”

               December 21st. Three days before the show. Stephen, Billy, and Rocco caught up with Trevor down the block from his trailer park as he exited a dollar store.

               The three approached from behind and confronted him together. “Mr. Lewis.”

               Trevor didn’t flinch. He stopped and slowly turned around. “Well. Well Hello; I was wondering when I was going to hear from you; you’re cutting it kind of close aren’t you?”

               Mr. Lewis looked at the black box in Billy’s hands. “I see you brought your little–Holy shit! What the hell are those?”

               Trevor pointed to the new attachments: two fluffs of loose black fabric on the front top of the box, one on either end, moving independently.

               Billy responded quickly. “Oh you like that; we added them for emotional depiction.”

               Trevor was flabbergasted. “That’s a joke right. They look like cheesy eyebrows, but why?”

          Stephen weighed in. “I got this Billy… That’s exactly what they are; so not only can you hear his happiness and his lovely soothing voice; you will now see his anger almost immediately”

               “That is just ridiculous” remarked Trevor.

               Stephen looked at Billy. “Let him loose.”

               Billy looked down toward Rocco. “show him what you got.”

               Billy placed Rocco on the ground. His new attachments dipped inward together, creating the illusion of an angry face. Three quick forward bounces side to side brought Rocco inches from Mr. Lewis. “Listen to me you little piece of whale fat”

               Mr. Lewis looked up at both brothers. “That’s messed up, you guys are really, really sick in the head”

               Both brothers looked down. “We had a good teacher.”

               Rocco’s new eyebrows relaxed and lifted high in the middle as he bounced backward. “I had good students”

The approach was straight out of an old western movie. They stood like gunslingers facing off: two marshals with their black box, Rocco, nestled between them. On the other side stood the most wanted villain this side of the Hudson River, alone with bags of groceries in his arms. Stephen stepped forward and extended a hand.

Mr. Lewis looked down at the groceries in his arms. “My hands are full; you don’t mind if I skip this one do ya?”

Stephen’s greeting was sincere. “Okay, you win Mr. Lewis. We have to admit we didn’t think you had it in you but fair is fair and the best man won.”

Billy stood firm. “What do you want from us Mr. Lewis?”

Trevor nodded toward each of them. “I want my life back. You two and that beast of a box ruined my life…”

Rocco fired back. “Watch it wiggy; you and that hair hat don’t fool me. I will have Billy rip that right off your head; by the way, how’s your car?”

Trevor was outraged. “It was you–wasn’t it?”

Rocco lifted one eyebrow, just like Spock. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 “I had to get another car; a Chevy Vega, what a piece of shit.”

“Takes one to know one four eyes” Rocco turned to Billy, flashed a VU meter, and tilted a brow. “Told you I took care of it.”

Billy couldn’t hold it in. “I got to pee again”

Stephen looked at Rocco. “Calm down the both of you; and you Mr. Lewis. See we tried to warn you; but no you didn’t listen.”

Mr. Lewis reacted. “Oh come on, that is so bogus.”

Stephen took a stand. “Mr. Lewis, what do you want us to do?”

“I want you back on the show; Christmas Eve, just as advertised and you will give my listeners a show they will never forget and that my friends will bring me back to my glory.”

“We want assurances.” requested Billy.

“I expect no less.”

Stephen’s first demand got right to the point. “If we do your show; you must never tell anyone who we are or where we live is that understood with a signed NDA?”

“I can live with that. Go on”

“No cheap shots from us. Rocco will tell his story for your audience just as you requested.”

Trevor glanced at all three. “I agree and I wouldn’t expect anything more.”

Rocco couldn’t hold back and bounced forward. “And the most important one of all. You will stay away from my family and never threaten us again or so help me.”

“I am still standing here; bring it on you black-eyed pea brain”

Rocco charged. “Why you little piece of shit”

Trevor stepped back, then looked at the brothers. “Would you please calm your little dog down; it’s embarrassing to see him scratching for fleas.”

Stephen held up his hand. “Again, ENOUGH the both of you. This will also be the last time we meet up and after the show, the last time all of us are in the same room together. Do you agree with our terms because remember Billy works for a very prestigious law firm and he will drown you?”

Trevor put on a lame smirk. “Oh please; you have it all wrong. I will agree to your terms, but I will always have the upper hand and don’t you forget it. I will see you all there in three days. Hey come early we will have some refreshments in the lobby. Have a good day.”

As Mr. Lewis walked away, Rocco called out. “Hey Pencil dick; one more thing before you go”

“Let’s hear it, no legs”

“The Coasters get to sing some Christmas carols on the show.”

“Huh… Okay Intermission only; Deal?”

“I can live with that, Deal.”

As they separated and walked away, a mischievous debate began.

“Do you think he bought the bait?” asked Billy.

Rocco answered without hesitation. “Of course he did; he is an idiot, No one gets one over on me.”

Stephen turned to Rocco. “Rocco, are you okay with this, because if you are not we will understand and deal with it another time.”

“My stitching has never been tighter; it’s a go, go for me.”

Rocco, feeling feisty, made a request. “Billy put me down I want to walk and stretch my springs.”

The three walked away feeling invincible, like the proud owners of a brand new pair of shoes.

Rocco’s metal handle and corner protectors grew hot in the sun. He looked left, then right. “Hey guys; do you think I can get a hat?”

Stephen and Billy responded together. “No…”

End of Chapter Five